Words of a diary
by Maria Recinella
Summary: Feliciano is a bright freshman with an optimistic look on the world. Gradually as tragedies happens all around him, Feliciano becomes sadder and sadder. TRIGGER WARNING: This fic will eventually become very dark, with topics such as suicide, depression, anxiety and maybe self harm.
1. Chapter 1

25/12-16

Dear diary

It's nice to meet you! My name is Feliciano J. I am not really sure what to write yet because I just got you. It's actually pretty exciting to me since I've never had a diary before. I think I may have had one when I was like five years old. I got you from Lovino, but I suppose you've already met him. Wait, if he didn't write in you, then do you even know him? Lovino is my big brother, he's a little grumpy, but really, he's nice.

Aren't you supposed to write about your day in a diary? I think I'll try that! Okay, so here's my day:

I woke up this morning after Christmas day. There still isn't any snow, which is a shame. I would have slept until later, but Lovino was on the phone with his boyfriend, I think they were fighting, it made me a little sad to hear that. I care for my brother after all. Oh well, but I went downstairs to have some breakfast. I can't really remember what I ate, but I think it was some bread with Nutella or something. Hehe, I have a sweet tooth. Grandpa always buys us loads of Nutella, it's really nice of him. Oh by the way, I live with my grandpa because my parents died when I was 10. It was very sad, I miss them sometimes… but grandpa, Lovino and Sebastiano all say that they live on in my heart and that they're watching over me, so it's okay I guess. They probably wouldn't want me to be sad either. Let's talk about something else, this is getting a little dark.

Anyways after I ate we went out to say merry Christmas to mum, dad and all our friends! It was so much fun!

One of the people we said merry Christmas to was Ludwig, his brother Gilbert was there too, but Ludwig is special. I don't know why, he just makes me happier than everyone else. I asked Lovino why that is, but he just got mad. Sebastiano said it was because I had feelings for him and Lovino was just mad that his relationship isn't going well. That's probably why we didn't visit Antonio. I wonder if I actually have feelings for Ludwig. Maybe it's in my family's genes to be gay, haha. Ludwig is this very tall guy. He has really cool blond hair and pretty blue eyes. He's sort of awkward, but I like it. He doesn't talk much, but when he does it's wonderful. He got all flustered when we came over, it was so cute.

Overall it was a good day. It was funny talking to you diary, maybe I should do it daily. You're an awesome listener. Ludwig's brother is awesome too, haha. Anyways, I'm glad you wanted to listen to me, not a lot of people do. It's nice that they pretend they do, but I wish they actually would listen.

Hey would you mind if I stayed a little longer and tell you about that?

Thank you. I blabber a lot I have been told, you probably already noticed. Because of that I do get that people don't listen, but it makes me sad that when I finish talking and ask for someone's opinion and they say 'I'm sorry, I didn't really listen'. It happens surprisingly often. Ludwig and Antonio listens though. Kiku does too I think, he just doesn't say anything. But nearly everyone else doesn't. I feel a little ignored. Do you think people dislike me? It at least makes me want to talk less.

Oh well, I will stop talking now, it's getting late. Thank you for listening again! - Feliciano Vargas


	2. Chapter 2

01/01-17

Dear diary

I'm so sorry I forgot about you! I just couldn't remember where I put you and then loads of things happened. Yesterday was New Year's Eve, I hope you had a good one under my pillow, heh. I stayed up until really late, so I'm super, super tired now! But I thought I might as well greet you in the new year. Are you tired too? I spend New Year's Eve with my family and Sebastiano's best friend. I secretly ship them, but don't tell anyone. It was so much fun. I wish I could show you the pretty fireworks, let me try to draw them!

What do you think? Pretty, right? Today I just relaxed because I have to go to school tomorrow. I'm very excited to see all my friends and hear about their New Year's Eve. Have I even told you about my friends? Of course, there is Ludwig and Kiku, they're both a little quiet, but they're really nice and cool! Then there's Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio. They're all two years older than me so I don't always get to talk to them. They're never up to any good it seems, haha. Gilbert is very confident. Francis is a love god, or at least that's what he says. I believe him though. Antonio is super nice. He is so funny, and Lovino's boyfriend! I'm also friends with Alfred, he's in Lovino's grade. He is always hyped, but has great humour. I have many more, but these are my closest friends.

I wonder what they think of me. Tomorrow is going to be so much fun. I am in a great mood, we had pasta today. Pasta is my favourite food. It's good for every occasion. What do you think your favourite food would be if you were human? I hope it would be pasta, then we could enjoy it together. I talked to Ludwig today. He called me and wished me a happy new year. We talked for a while, apparently, he got a puppy for Christmas! I'm so excited to play with it. He told me I could, haha.

Talk to you again tomorrow when I have a little more to tell - Feliciano Vargas


	3. Chapter 3

02/01-17

Dear diary

Oh god where do I even begin? So much happened today!

I came to school today and so many people greeted me. It made me feel really happy and appreciated! I talked a lot to Ludwig and Kiku. They had both had a good time, Kiku went to Japan with his parents to visit the rest of his family even though they don't really celebrate Christmas the same way as we do here. All my friends come from different backgrounds so it's so exciting to hear how much difference there is between our way of celebrating holidays on. Alfred gave everyone presents, would you believe it? I got pasta, I told you he had good humour. I heard Arthur, one of Alfred's friends that I don't know so well, got a really special present, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. I think I'll ask him again tomorrow. Classes were so much more exciting because everyone was in a good mood and we started on new topics. At lunch, it all got a little weird today. Everyone at our table were talking, Antonio was on his phone and all the sudden he got really annoyed and hit the table with his phone. I have never seen him angry before, so I got a little scared L. Then he walked over to Lovino's table and they started to fight in the middle of the cafeteria. I was too far away to hear what they talked about, but it seemed like a big deal. After that everyone got a little quieter. I hope Lovino is okay.

Alfred luckily quickly changed the subject so everyone was back to normal soon. Alfred is really good at talking.

At one point Francis made a huge drama out of having lost _his_ diary. He got all worried I asked him why he even brings it to school and he said it was so he could remember the day better. Arthur is really keen on finding it because he wants to read it which only made Francis more annoyed. Those two always fight, but it's okay because none of them ever gets hurt. I also think they used to date. No one is sure and they both refuse to talk about it. Francis hasn't found his diary yet, but he probably will. Or maybe someone else finds it and delivers it back.

After school Ludwig, Kiku and I went to the mall for a little 'back to school shopping', it isn't really back to school like after summer holiday, but I had lost my pencil case so we went. It was so much fun. When I came home Sebastiano told me not to go to Lovino's room, he was apparently upset. I get him though, him and Antonio seemed to be very mad at each other. I would be sad too. What do you think I should do diary? Should I just let him be? Probably should, Lovino doesn't like when I interfere with his business.

Ludwig texted me about whether I wanted to go do something someday, without Kiku. Maybe it's because he doesn't like Kiku? I don't hope so, that would be sad. I doubt that's it though. You know my heart raced, so I think Sebastiano might be right, maybe I do like Ludwig. I hope he means it as a date, but that's probably not it. I answered that I would like to, so now we're going to the cinema to watch a film. It's called A Dog's Purpose, but it's first coming out in the end of the month, so it'll be a while. Therefore, I asked him whether he wanted to go walk his new puppy at one point. He hasn't answered me yet, but I'm sure he's going to say yes!

Grandpa helped me with my homework, it was so nice of him. Yep, we've already gotten homework! I'm only a freshman, so I didn't have nearly as much as Sebastiano, who's a senior. He almost cried because I reminded him he was going to have even more when he started in college. Probably shouldn't have said that, heh.

For dinner, we had minestrone, even though I asked for pasta. Lovino ate in his room, so now I'm super worried.

Wait a minute.

Ludwig answered me, he said yes! Oh, I'm so excited!

I think this is a good time to say goodbye, talk to you later diary! - Feliciano Vargas


	4. Chapter 4

05/01-17

Dear diary

Today I walked Ludwig's new puppy with him, after school. It was absolutely amazing. His puppy's name was Aster, he was so cute. But most importantly, Ludwig was so much more talkative than usually! We talked a lot about football, I like football too, but not as much as Ludwig. We also talked about the school, and I asked him what to do about Lovino, but he said he didn't know. Oh, Ludwig was wonderful. He even let me wear his jacket because it was cold! I feel a little bad for him because he might have been freezing, but he said it was fine.

Guess what diary? I asked him whether it was a date and he said that it was if I wanted it to be! Then I told him that I wanted it to be one. Does that mean we're dating? My heart pounds a little faster every time I think about it.

When I came home I was in such a good mood. I helped cooking pasta too. Sebastiano said I was pasta obsessed, do you think so? Alfred once ate a lot of McDonalds, I wonder if he's junk food obsessed. I don't think he is, Alfred has been acting kind of weird around food lately.

I think that's it for today diary.

No wait.

Can I just get a little personal again?

Um, I know it's not really a big deal and that I shouldn't think about it, but today in school when I told Kiku about my classes and such, he ignored me. I at least think he did, because he just sat there and nodded. Maybe he was having a bad day, but it made me a little disappointed. Do you think Kiku cares what I have to say? I sure hope he does.

Tomorrow is Friday and Gilbert, Francis and Antonio are hosting a party, so I'm going. I don't think I'll drink any alcohol though, I'm underage after all. Now that I think about it, they are too, how do they get their hands on alcohol like that?

I think it's Antonio's mother, Lovino once told me that she has a huge cabinet filled with bottles.

Ops, now I'm blabbering again. I try to stop doing that, it only seems to annoy people.

Bye diary, see you Saturday!


	5. Chapter 5

07/01-17

Dear diary

I'm glad that it's weekend and we're off. I actually ended up drinking a tiny bit, and even though I didn't get drunk, I am very exhausted. Ludwig wasn't there yesterday, which is a shame, because I think he would have enjoyed it. Even if he wouldn't admit it. Oh well, but I got to hang with so many people, even though Lovino got drunk and told me to go away. I wonder where he is, because he's not home, maybe he crashed at Antonio's place. That would be nice, then they could be friends again. I spilled beer on the floor at one point, do you thinks Francis' mums will be mad? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Francis has two mums! It's really cute and they're so nice. Anyways yesterday was a lot of fun even though my two best friends weren't there. The others played spin the bottle, but I didn't want to join in, because what if Ludwig and I are dating? Wouldn't it be a little like cheating? Lovino didn't play either, so we talked a little. He avoided talking about Antonio, so we spoke about Italy instead. We're going there this summer, for three weeks!

Gilbert put karaoke on, so now I'm really hoarse. Alfred and Gilbert also went out to throw eggs at the neighbours' home and Francis got a little mad at them. He even went over and apologised to the very surprised neighbours. Everyone had a good time.

I'm very excited because Ludwig will come over later, Kiku said he didn't have time. I'll write again tonight when Ludwig has been here, I just couldn't wait to tell you about the party!

Hi again diary, now it's almost bedtime and Ludwig left thirty minutes ago.

I'm really tired, but I still want to tell you about me and Ludwig's time together. It was wonderful. Ludwig is very handsome, have I told you that? I think I did, but I feel like I appreciate it more and more, haha. I don't know if I'm _in love_ , but I definitely have a crush hehe. I wonder if Ludwig likes me back? I know he said it was a date two days ago, but that was maybe just to be polite. What if he thinks that I'm just super clingy? Oh, that wouldn't be good. No, Ludwig is nice, Ludwig wouldn't think that. It's weird, I'm getting a little paranoid now. Maybe I shouldn't think too much about it.

Lovino is home now, he said Antonio is coming over tomorrow, so they're probably on better terms again.

It sounds weird, but I'm very concerned about his relationship somehow. I think it's because I don't want Lovino to be sad.

Are you even interested diary?

I don't think so. Hmm, talk to you later - Feliciano Vargas


	6. Chapter 6

08/01-17

Dear diary

Today Antonio came over, he's actually still here. I think he'll sleep here, so maybe I won't get a lot of sleep. My room is next to Lovino's.

I'm sorry, that got inappropriate. I just thought it was funny J. Antonio brought me a present! He gave me a football, I might give it to Ludwig… no, no, that would be mean, never mind. Anyways, I talked a lot to him, he told me that he had been really hangover yesterday. Lovino looked really mad with him, but Lovino always looks angry. Antonio is really funny. He told me all about his New Year's Eve, he went to this huge party. I wish I could be like him, because he's so kind and funny, but at the same time he does all of these crazy, wild things I'd never dare to do. I'm sort of a coward. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Francis hasn't found his diary yet, what if I lost you? Oh god, everyone would know I like Ludwig, that'd be horrible.

Keep my secrets please - Feliciano Vargas


	7. Chapter 7

10/01-17

Dear diary

I don't think I like Antonio anymore…

So today Lovino and Antonio broke up. Lovino told me why, apparently, he found out that Antonio cheated on Lovino which is really mean. I never thought he'd do anything like that and now I've lost a friend. Lovino is really sad. I know he told me he didn't care, but I know he does. What should I do diary?

Because I don't want to talk to him Antonio much, but he sits at our table. Lovino is heartbroken and to be honest, I'm a little down as well. I've never tried being this mad at someone. Ludwig says it's only natural, but I don't like it. What if I do something stupid, like say something rude to him? That'd be horrible.

I have this lump in my throat that I just can't seem to swallow, but you know, it'll probably disappear soon.

I'll go do my homework now, thanks for listening - Feliciano Vargas


	8. Chapter 8

11/01-17

Dear diary

Today was pretty quiet and normal. I had a test in math, but I couldn't concentrate. Ludwig sat right in front of me, so I got distracted by him. I even had a little day dream where we went on our future date and kissed. He was a good kisser. I know it was just a day dream, but it seemed so real. Alfred tried to cheer me up today, we went to his home which was pretty fun. Alfred has a Wii so we played Mario Kart, it was really funny. I enjoy being around Alfred, he's good at keeping a conversation going. Maybe I should hang out with him more often, that'd be nice, haha.

Kiku didn't talk to me at all today, actually I think he tried to avoid me. Whenever I spoke to him he said he had to go. Do you think Kiku hates me? It makes me so scared. What if he does? Ludwig is really close with Kiku maybe even more close than I am with him, so if I lose Kiku, will I lose Ludwig? That would be an awful lot of friends to lose in such a short period. Oh dear, I think I'm going to cry just at the thought of it. That would be so horrible.

Bye diary - Feliciano Vargas

Hi diary, it's 2am and I just woke up because I needed something to drink. Then I started to think about the whole thing with Antonio and Lovino and then I started I thinking… what if the same thing happens to me? I know that Ludwig is not the kind of person to do such a thing, but Antonio didn't seem to be either. Suddenly I panicked, I hyperventilated, my body shook slightly and I just didn't seem to be able to calm down again. I was so scared because I've never experienced something like that before. What does this mean? Am I getting sick?

It's in the middle of the night and I feel so alone and scared.

Thank you for being here for me diary - Feliciano Vargas


	9. Chapter 9

16/01-17

Dear diary

This morning I found something weird in the bathroom… There was this blade? Not one that you shave with, or maybe it was, but then again it wasn't in the shaver. Sebastiano confiscated it from me. He told me not to tell grandpa. I am little confused, but I don't think my brother would keep any secrets from me. I think I might ask him what it was now that he has calmed down. I was supposed to hang out with Gilbert today, but he told me he was grounded and didn't really dare to try and sneak out. It's understandable, Mr. Beilschmidt is quite scary. He is always so strict, so Gilbert probably didn't even do anything seriously bad.

Ludwig, Kiku and I decided to do homework together though. It was cosy and all, but I still think Kiku has something against me. He is so quiet around me and around Ludwig he talks a surprising lot. I don't know why he has started to act like this around me, or maybe I just never noticed?

Kiku left a little earlier because he had to work on some cosplay thing he has going on. Then I told Ludwig about the blade. He said that he didn't know what it could be, but I could see in his eyes he knew. I'm fifteen for god's sake, it'd be nice if people treated me like that instead of a five-year-old. I guess that's just what that is. Ludwig and I watched a movie since it was too cold to go outside. Guess what?

Oh, it makes me so excited just to think about it! He laid an arm around me! It was so sweet, hehe. I can still feel the tingling on my shoulders. That's surely a sign he likes me, right? If it isn't, then I don't know what is. If Ludwig has a diary, do you think he writes about me?

That reminds me, Francis still hasn't found his diary. Arthur has been walking around with a smug face lately, so he probably found it and is reading it. Arthur and Lovino used to be best friends, but apparently, he was the one to cheat with Antonio, so now Lovino is alone. It's a little sad. I don't think it's because Lovino has no friends at all, he just tends to isolate himself when he's sad. Maybe I should try talking to him? It's just, he always pushes me away, at least he has been recently.

Perhaps he just has a hard time understanding that I just want to help, or maybe it's because he doesn't **want** to understand. He puzzles me sometimes. I actually talked a little to Antonio today, it's been a while, but it was just sort of awkward. He asked me how Lovino was, which I was a little pissed about. I'm not sure why though.

Today I'm feeling better, but there is still a lump-feeling in my throat. The only weird thing I've noticed is how jumpy I am. It's strange.

Diary, I'm so glad to have you - Feliciano Vargas


	10. Chapter 10

17/01-17

Dear diary

Today I was bombarded with homework. It's currently 3am and I have been doing homework since I got off at 4pm. I'm so stressed and all I want to do is hug Ludwig. He's probably asleep though. I miss Ludwig all the time. He's just so amazing.

You should see his muscles, they're huge! It's kind of hot… hehe.

I should probably get some sleep, but I drank some coffee that still hasn't worn off. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. What if I fall asleep during class? Oh god, they might suspend me! Wait, do they even do that if I fall asleep?

Also, is it weird that I want to be with Ludwig all the time? Does that mean I'm clingy? Won't he be annoyed if I'm clingy? L If I get too clingy he might not want to be with me. Then he'll push me away and I'll get really sad. I think I might cry, sorry if you get wet diary…

My feelings for him have grown stronger and I think I am in love. Like actually in love. He makes me so happy diary, but I also get really worried that he doesn't feel the same way about me.

If I keep having this much homework, I might not write as often. Just thought I'd inform you. Don't worry diary, I won't abandon you.

I think the next time I'll write is after me and Ludwig's date at the cinema. Bye for now diary - Feliciano Vargas


	11. Chapter 11

20/01-17

Dear diary

I know I told I wouldn't write before the 27th, but I need to talk. You know how Francis couldn't find his diary?

Arthur did find it and he has read it all. When he delivered it back, I have never seen him so sad. I thought he would be smirking really widely, but he didn't. In fact, he hugged Francis. Of course, everyone was confused. At last Francis told us why. Diary I can't even explain how heartbroken and sad I am right now. It turns out that Francis has blood cancer, Supposedly incurable.

I've cried so much. Francis is a great friend, I love him, but I think it took the hardest on Antonio and Gilbert. Antonio didn't spend a single moment away from Francis today, and Gilbert… well, he just left. He didn't even say anything.

Francis said it's named some kind of weird name I can't spell, but he said that people can live decades with it. I'm still worried though. Oh diary, I'm so glad to have Sebastiano. He took me out for a walk to talk about it. He is such a good brother. He takes care of us, especially when Grandpa isn't home.

I wonder how long Francis will live, I hope it'll be long because I'd be sad without him. School would be so different. There wouldn't be anyone to ship everyone, there wouldn't be any love expert or couple therapist. I think Arthur got really sad. He went outside to smoke and went with him just to get some air. He said that he wanted to hang out with Francis as well, but he couldn't stand being around Antonio after all that has happened.

I asked him about the whole cheating thing and he told me that it had been one night. One night that he regretted with his life. He admitted to have flirted with him on text, but that he felt very guilty about it. He really opened up to me. He told me that he missed being around Lovino a lot. He also felt bad that he had been such a bad friend, but Lovino wouldn't let him in.

I think Arthur is a good person, he just made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. It's understandable.

He also said that he wanted to try and become friends with Francis instead of picking on him all the time.

I want to be Arthur's friend, he seems nice. Most of all I want to fix everything. If I could, I'd make it so Lovino was happy, that he wasn't as insecure as he is. I would make it so that Arthur had never done something he has regretted that much. I would make it so that Francis could be cured. So that Kiku would tell me what was wrong. So that everyone was happy and that I could stop being anxious. I would make it so that my parents were still here.

I miss Ludwig so incredibly much. He comforted me today and I was grateful, but… I still wish he was here right now. He makes me feel as though there is no one else in this world. All my worries go away when I am with him. It is amazing. Do you think he feels the same way diary?

Haha, I hope so.

Sleep well diary - Feliciano Vargas


	12. Chapter 12

27/01-17

Dear diary

Sit back, get some pasta, this is going to be a long one.

So, I barely slept this night out of anxiety for the coming day. I was so incredibly nervous. But the night passed and in the morning I was surprisingly energetic, I didn't even need to drink coffee! I forced myself to eat breakfast because otherwise I would have fallen asleep during the day. What if I fell asleep during the movie? Ludwig would never forgive me!

Anyways, I got out of the door and it was really cold! But it didn't matter because I was so excited and so happy. I couldn't concentrate at all! I don't think I learned anything in class. During lunch, it was a little awkward because everyone is still sad about Francis and I just babbled on and on… It just came out, I didn't really sense the mood properly I think. The last class was horrible because I was just so nervous! The teacher asked me about my opinion on freedom of speech or something like that and I just stared at him for a good one minute before I had even processed the question.

When we finally got off I rushed out of the classroom. I put all my books in my locker and checked that I looked okay. Then I went to meet Ludwig outside. Ludwig was already there when I came and he smiled weakly at me!

It wasn't much, but it was a smile. It made my heart flutter and I got so excited! He drove us to the cinema and I think I talked too much, I blabbered all the way about how excited I was about the movie. Luckily, I don't think he cares much, actually he seemed to listen to everything I had to say! It makes me happy that he listens to me. He seems genuinely interested, which everyone else don't. Maybe I'm just attention craving, haha.

We arrived at the cinema and the line was so long I thought we were never going to make it! Ludwig promised me that we would though and I trust Ludwig, so it was okay. He took my hand. Oh diary it was like taking out of my wildest dreams. Ludwig makes me worry less, he makes me smile and most of all he makes my dreams come true just like that. I know it's because my dreams are about him, but still!

Eventually we got to the ticket booth and Ludwig insisted on paying. I felt a little guilty, but it was a nice gesture. We shared a big popcorn that I think I ate most of. The film made me cry, but Ludwig said it was alright and that I shouldn't be embarrassed.

After the movie, I insisted on taking a walk. I did not want to part from him just yet. I simply couldn't! So, we did and we talked about everything. I even told him about my weird panic attacks and he said I could always call him, even at 4am. He'd make sure to turn the ringer on so he could hear the phone. I think that's one of the nicest thing someone has even done for me. I was so happy that he actually cared enough to want to get up in the middle of the night to take my calls. Ludwig is so perfect. After our walk, he drove me home. I swear that we nearly kissed on my porch. We were really close, but then he blushed very widely and pulled back. It's okay though, I don't mind waiting not when it's Ludwig.

I am so happy diary. Ludwig and I went on our second date. We nearly kissed, he held my hand and he showed a lot of affection. Ludwig is a person who I think is hard to get close to, but I'll try, because he's so wonderful and I want to get to know every part of him. Both good and bad. Although I doubt Ludwig has any bad sides, maybe just bad habits. I used to bite my nails, that was a bad habit. Maybe Ludwig does that too, then I could help him!

This is the best day I've had in a while. All that with Francis and Lovino certainly isn't doing very well. Half of the time Lovino doesn't even come to school. I barely see him these days and I miss my grumpy nagging brother. Everything will settle itself, I'm sure of it.

Goodnight diary - Feliciano Vargas


	13. Chapter 13

01/02-17

Dear diary

All I wanted to say was that life is going well. Ludwig and I are now an official couple. He invited me to the homecoming. I am very excited. How romantic would it be if we kissed there?

Everything seems to be going better.

I am happy - Feliciano Vargas


	14. Chapter 14

09/02-17

Dear diary

I do not want to write this. It hurts too much. It's too real. I have been crying non-stop ever since I found out. Oh dear, what am I going to do diary? I can't live without him in my life.

Today Lovino committed suicide.

I am feel so cold, my heart aches just from writing those words. To look at his name is like stabbing myself in the chest a million times. Yet it doesn't seem to have sunk in. The worst part is, I could have helped it. I didn't even see it coming! Excuse my language, but I am so fucking mad at myself. Why did I not try to talk to him diary? Why was I so selfish as to just be happy about me and Ludwig. Yes, I worried about Lovino, but I never acted on it. If I had just showed him I cared, then this wouldn't have happened. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but how the hell am I supposed not to? Lovino left a letter behind where he explained how he felt and god I feel so bad. He has always been there for me, my whole life and I didn't do a thing to pay him back. I am scared to meet the world. I am scared to live a life without him. I cannot put my feelings into words and all I want to do is lay down and cry.

No, you know what? I'll call Ludwig.

Rest in peace Lovino Vargas, know you were the best brother I could have wished for. I love you and I hope you are happier wherever you are - Feliciano Vargas


	15. Chapter 15

16/02-17

Dear diary

I cannot believe it's been only a week. It feels like a million years, I am not even exaggerating. I feel like all I have done is laying in my bed, crying. Ludwig has come to visit me, but not even that cheered me up. It's so weird because I always thought that Ludwig would cheer me up, he would make it get better and that he would be the only one to calm me down when I was worried. Weirdly enough, it does not help when he's here. Yes, I do not feel as alone, and yes, it's nice to have someone to talk to, but as soon as he leaves again I feel the same. Diary I don't know what to do. Not even Sebastiano smiles anymore. I hadn't ever imagined that I would lose one of my brothers, especially not both. I know Sebastiano isn't dead, but the Sebastiano I used to know is gone. He doesn't feel the same. It's fair enough though, I am not the same either. I'm a crying mess. I have nightmares, horrible ones where my whole family dies. Ones where I am the dead one. Ones where Ludwig dies. They're all wicked and morbid and it makes me sick just to think of them. The funeral was this Sunday and I have honestly never felt so empty inside. To see mum and dad's names on grave stones is hard enough, but to see Lovino's on one beside them… the pain is numbing. It isn't even pain, it's indescribable agony. My heart physically aches when I think of him, mention his name, or hear about him. It's like he's everywhere. I can barely even walk down the hallway because Lovino's door is there, reminding me of what I had a mere week ago.

Today I went to school for the first time and I got swarmed with people who felt sorry for me, Francis even gave me flowers. I know they mean well, but it's annoying to be bombarded with 'I'm sorry for your loss'. I don't want to be reminded of it! But of course, I should be grateful that people care and I am, trust me. It's just really frustrating when all I want to do is forget. I don't want to forget about Lovino, never, but I want to forget the pain that his death bears.

Both Arthur and Antonio have apparently taken the blame upon themselves. They shouldn't do that though. I do see where they're coming from, but it really is not their fault. It's no one's fault. Yet I feel like it's mine and… I just want to scream!

Why do things like this happen diary? Why is it that good people like Lovino feel so horrible about themselves and their lives, that they think their only way out is suicide? Why do you people with bright futures like Francis get cancer? Why is it that innocent citizens get murdered in war? Why do terrorists exist? Why do parents die? Why do I have panic attacks? Why do people discriminate others? Why do people rape?

Why is the world such a cruel place?

I cannot understand, I cannot even begin to understand it and it makes me so mad and frustrated.

I do not think I can take more bad news diary - Feliciano Vargas


	16. Chapter 16

21/09-17

Dear diary

This weekend I'm going to the psychologist. I feel I need someone to talk to, a professional who's neutral in my life. I am pretty excited, but also nervous. I've never been to a psychologist before. I hope it goes well.

Things are pretty quiet at the moment, although I barely speak to Kiku anymore. I've never seen Antonio as such a wreck before in my life. He slacks of school, he barely smiles, he doesn't want to hang out and he shifts between wearing to different hoodies every day.

Oh diary, who knew it was going to go this wrong? - Feliciano Vargas


	17. Chapter 17

25/02-17

Dear diary

I went to the psychologist, but I just thought it was really uncomfortable. I'm not used to talk about feelings like these, especially when they're so new. It's so weird how I scared I am. The future frightens me, I don't want to get up in the morning. It's as though the world is doing everything to keep me down. Diary what is wrong with me?

Please help me - Feliciano Vargas

Hello again diary

I just got a horrible call. It was Antonio, he told me Gilbert is arrested. It was something about illegal drugs, I'm scared he'll end up in prison diary! Oh what a scary thought, Gilbert isn't evil.

No, no, no... - Feliciano Vargas


	18. Chapter 18

05/03-17

Dear diary

Gilbert didn't end up in prison, but he is going to some kind of camp for young people on drugs. While we wait he is not allowed to school. I feel like this week was very light, but God I'm drained by everything. Even talking to Ludwig can make me tired at the moment. I don't know what's happening to me diary.

I am constantly tired, I've lost my appetite and I just don't want to do anything. Where is all my will and happiness? I feel slightly jealous of Lovino even. It shouldn't be like that. I horribly scared. I need someone's help, but I can't talk to anyone about it. I want help, but I just don't want to open up about it. It's a horrible dilemma especially cuz I know it's best to talk to someone, to seek help. I'm just not ready to open up.

I am crying as I write, but no one will ever find out. No one will ever realise that I am this sad. And I don't know if I like it that way.

Guide me please, you're my only hope. - Feliciano Vargas


	19. Chapter 19

12/03-17

Dear diary

Ludwig is going back to Germany. His parents thought it best for him. I am scared to live without a Ludwig to comfort me, understand me and guide me through all of this.

Skyping is one things, being with him is another.

I cannot keep writing here as often I'm afraid. - Feliciano Vargas


	20. Chapter 20

04/04-17

Dear diary

I might just have made the biggest mistake in my life.

I broke up with Ludwig.

I cannot take the fact that he's no longer here right beside me. The distance got to me and I just could not tolerate it anymore. I am scared for the future once again. I want to hold Ludwig's hand, I want to cuddle him, oh god I miss him. Diary I am scared to let go, but I'm afraid the relationship did more damage to me than good.

I love him. - Feliciano Vargas


	21. Chapter 21

20/05-17

Once upon a time I had a second brother.

As the years passed he turned quieter.

The spark in his eyes burned out.

His reasons to smile were ripped away.

His only friend was a blade.

He lost his love.

He had nothing left to live for and he took this as a sign.

Over night he left the world.

He thought no one would care.

Once upon a time I was happy.

As the months passed I turned quieter.

The spark in my eyes burned out.

My reasons to smile were ripped away.

My only friend is my diary.

I lost my love.

I have nothing left to live for.

Yet I need to keep on fighting

Although I know n one cares

\- Feliciano Vargas


End file.
